New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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