The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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