to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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