Are we in a gay sports bar?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
