I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
