He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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