you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And then he peed in my hair
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