So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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