she woke up with a sticky ear
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
