I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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