there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
