The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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