All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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