I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
