got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
