This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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