So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
