im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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