he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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