considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My breath smells like gin and sadness
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
