just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
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she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
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Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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