Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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