God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
