Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
