i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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