Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
