Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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