Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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