Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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