You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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