Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
