My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
