i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
