You're my little dorito
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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