All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
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We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
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My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
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