I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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