Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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