I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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