I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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