3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
