the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Randomize
