you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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