No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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