I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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