im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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