I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
