Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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