the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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