I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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