i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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