I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
