It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
