I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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