my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
