u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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