Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
